Hey pretty

it's been a while, a long while

2007-02-15T07:16:58Z

I don't know what to say here. Not much has changed. I'm thinking of transfering to another school. I dunno. Umm.. that's all

"fake" eating disorders, and my opinion on them...

2006-11-30T03:16:07Z

Lately I've been noticing in people a horrible thing. False eating disorders. having one is sick. If anyone should know it is me. I used to stuggle with that. What is more sick is people who wish they could struggle, and deam themselves "ANA OMGZORS" or "MIA". Though idolization happens in the process of being a VICTIM of an eating disorder, it is upsetting to me that people who don't even really have this are labeling themselves "Ana" (anorexic) or "Mia" (Bulimic..clever ain't it...NOT) as though they are people. This disorder is more powerful than any human being. And for people to try to humanize (which actually in the long run will reduce the seriousness of it) is horrifying. It is normal to want to lose a little bit of weight, but for people to pretend they have issues is ridiculous. Calling yourself "Ana" is like saying you are an amputee when it is quite obvious you have all your limbs. It isn't even all about weight, it doesn't even root there...it's usually about control for most people, or so it starts.

Now I am not saying these issues do not exist, eating disorders are very real. I should know. I wasted too much of my life throwing up, being sick, in therapy to let these people succeed at beautifying this tragedy. First they glamorize anorexia and bulimia, what next? Will there be "IT" diseases? Will fashion magazines have headlines like "Ditch the Hay Fever, GET AIDS NOW!!!"? I'm just trying to correct some views here.

Feel free to bitch at me or praise me or whatever.

Party girl image?

2006-11-03T23:17:46Z

I really don't understand it. I do go to parties yes. But I only ever go out on weekends. (I went out once on a weekday and that was because it was halloween, and I finished my homework.) I like to have fun, sure, who doesn't? I don't party too much. I hate it when people think I do. Sure I have gotten a wee but crazy on some instances, but many people do that. For some reason it is reflected more on me. Even before I started to go to parties I had this image. I am not paying lord knows how much in tuition to go and party. I am also not paying that much in tuition to get that reputation.
MYTH: I party and go out everyday (who does that? Maybe Paris Hilton, but not me)
FACT: I study, and want to do well in school. I'm working hard so I can transfer.
MYTH: I drink all the time
FACT: I like to have a few drinks socially sometimes in social setting (not on campus EVER BTW) because that is what people do, and I am a person
MYTH: I can't control myself when under the influence
FACT: I sometimes like to let loose, and have become much better at controlling myself.

For some reason, this situation where people think I go to too many parties and am a crazy party girl actually hurts me. I don't want to be known that way, and I am not going to stop socializing in normal college setting to stop it. I would rather be known for helping people (which I have done) or for my efforts in life, or for working hard to become a better perosn everyday (which I actually do strive to do.)

Thank you for reading this if you did. :-)

mother fuckers everywhere and not one bitch to beat (water water everywhere haha)

2006-10-27T20:24:04Z

But seriously, people here are somewhat shady. Like what the hell. Yes there are a select few good ones, but many people here are immature, inconsiderate, and care only for themselves. Drama is started like it was during middle school. There are even idiotic rumors. This is college. We are supposed to be becoming more of adults. Not using out lack of parental control to extend our childish behaviors. I'm not trying to push people into growing up. Kid-ness is fun yes. But immaturity in certain aspects of life is a completely different story; it's painful to watch. People acting the way I did when I was 15 (especially in the alcohol department).
My mother told me somethign wise, something along the lines of "you let your curses turn into blessing." somthing like that. My habits, throughout life have indeed given me insight, and I am grateful for that. But isn't ignorance afterall ultimate bliss? I look back at my past ignorances, wondering what I will be looking back upon, what ignorances I have now, and how I will consider how I am now in the future.

Grateful doesn't begint o describe how I feel. Lonely doesn't begin to describe it either. I have no plans for my 18th birthday, meh.

Silence isn't golden

2006-10-14T23:33:59Z

I should post on this thing more often. Not too much has happened, at least nothing significant that I feel like posting on the world wide web. But I am being irked by what seems to be a case of social silence. The cold shoulder. Excommunication. From a friend. From sonmeone I held (and still do hold) close to my heart. I don't know how long this will last. That has me throwing myslef about. What also bothers me is not only that this seems to be happening (it problably is,) but because I don't know why this is taking place. It is one person in particular. Actually, a few.

What bothers me, is that I have no idea what set this off, and me, being who I am, am captivated by this situation. I of course am extraordinarily curious as to what I did to set this person off, rather turn them off (vocally). Then again maybe I did nothing at all, maybe this person is going through a hard time, maybe not. Maybe this person is just fed up with me and ready to move on with their life, maybe not.

I hate that this bugs me as well. Because of my past, I feel as though in general, I have to be a social perfcectionist. I don't know of course 100% if this is why I am the way I am (though it most likely is), and that is mildy yet significantly irritating to me.

I get annoyed when other people pry into my own business (which seems to be a constant and valued practice among college students), but I think this is because I still need to pry into my own life. I am too busy focusing on various who knows whats to stop and think for a second about such a thing. (May not make sense to you, but in my mind this past paragraph is quite clarifying). But when I talk about certain things I h ave knowledge about, is it really necessary to ask me exactly how I know it, or if I have experienced what I am talking about, or why I talk about it?

As you can obvoiusly tell, I have many troubles with my inner self. Another thing that bothers me is that I tend to get along more with people who are older than me. Which at a first glance is strange, considering that I am the on of the younger ones in my class level. When I tell people my age (17 for the moment, I am however excited for my 18th birthday on the 29th of this month.), they see me as full of crap it seems. All is well until I tell my age to some people. Older people (and younger, and those my age), as I mentioned earlier pry into how I know what I know, and why I think the way I do about certain sensitive subjects. I'm not bragging here, but I have been through a lot of shit. Though the course of my life is nowhere near the end in life experieces (ones that truely do come with age, not experience), I feel as though I have lived a nice life, that I have fulfilled so much. I also feel as though I rushed through much of my adolescence (Not even finished with it, and already I feel old.). I wanted to grow up so quickly. I not only smoked, drank, and used, but also had other hardships. Depression, self mutilation, eating disorders (in abundance), and then some that I do not want to mention on the internet. I stole my life from myself. I destroyed it. I live the consequences.

Reasons as to why you shouldn't talk shit about me

2006-09-23T03:54:48Z

OK, this pisses me off. People are talking shit...we are how old now? Talking shit brings you bad karma. Here are some prime examples:

One girl (who will remain nameless) decided to call me a whore throughout an entire year of high school (I was at that school for only a year); she was last spotted in a film titled The Davinci Load, and she wasn't even doing anyone, she was watching people go at it.. That is worse than being in a porno and fucking, that's like saying "You can't even BE a pornstar if you tried, but you are in a porno."
Another girl who often talked shit about me (same school) now works at The Frisky Kitty, a gentleman's club.
Yet another shit talking girl from that damned school. She isn't a pseudo pornstar, she isn't a stripper, she is PREGGO, or maybe she already had the baby, or god forbid miscarriage (she was a druggie).
I always find out when you talk shit about me so don't even try

especially when you let me in on all of your dirty little secrets...how dumb can you be?

Karma is a bitch
Oh yeah, this other girl who was a bitch to e at Jew cap and talked MAD SHIT about me is now a mad cokehead, but a fat one (go figure haha).

Moral of the story is:
DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT ME BIOTCH!!, because I think the only things left ont he list for mad shit talkers are whores, crackwhores, and Rosie O' Donnal's personal bitch.

Thanks loves
Miriam *hugs*

A rose by any other name (disagreeing with the disagreement(

2006-09-22T16:42:33Z

FUCK LJ! I JUST LOST A LONG MEANINGFUL ENTRY!!!!GAHHHHHH

Love, Ludlow

2006-09-19T19:02:55Z

    This movie will be difficult to write about. In general all films, even indie films are about something that is in one way or another spectacular, mesmerizing, or far from the norm. This movie, though about out of the ordinary, deals with what is the regular out of the ordinary. It focuses on quirks that may in some situations irk some people, but in reality are just everyday issues. Those problems that no one ever admits to having; but everyone knows that everyone has them, are presented and magnifies under the electron microscpe that is a telivision screen. The subtle use of Hitchcock-esque anges and cinemetography creates the feeling of fear that people tend ot have regarding their everyday secret problems.
    Growth is very apparent in this film in many ways as well, especially with Myra's (the main character) younger brother, Ludlow who is slightly mentally challenged. In the beginning he appears to be completely incompetent, as teh movie continues, you see him as more than a childish acting man, he grows as an intellectual, and becomes more of a peopel person, among other things. He matures more and more.
   The use of symbollism is perfect, it isn't blatantly obvious, but is easy in reach, making the film watchable without being annoying (a'la V for Vendetta)

More to come later

So I sold my soul to the devil

2006-09-18T06:03:28Z

Actually I just upgraded my account, and there are now advertisements all over my page, but hey!, the layout is all cool and stuff...YAY.

I `move to Riverside soon...yayyy as well. Fun stuff, I love my roommate, I'm soo happy. All I have to do is a bit of shopping, and create some closure with a few people at home and then...I'm OFF. I am beyond excited. If Summer Bridge was as good as it was, then the actual school year must be intensely good. I may need to switch some classes around, other than that, I'm GOOD!

I don't really know what else ot say, but ummm yeah. i'll catch up later with you all when I am more awake.

literally

2006-09-17T00:20:34Z

bored to tears...literally

A fresher start

2006-09-15T16:56:37Z

So much has changed since my May post. I have almost a completely new set of friends, have even more job experience, more life experience, and I have college units (and experience).
I did however lose a very important friendship, but it was unforunately very necessary. No one died, but I was in fact betrayed, used, and completely manipulated. Though there were good times, it did not add up with being put down all of the time, wieghed down, and risking my future in order to cater to this person's needs. I feel guilty writing more... ehh. Whatever. This person just needed something I couldn't give this person, something I couldn't afford to give financially, mentally, or emotionally.

The end?

what I did last summer

2006-09-15T00:34:31Z

I didn't update throughout the entire summer. It was packed with SO MUCH (and isn't even done with yet). I worked at Buzz for a while. Buzz was Buzz, same coffee same everything haha. Then I worked at Camp Funtime during the week. I don't want to talk to much about that, but the kids were GREAT, I loved most of the job, lifeguarding is definately a good job, and I'm glad I continued it.

Then came Summer Bridge. YES!!!!!!! I can't go into too much detail, because that would be impossible. So much went on, it was TONS of fun, and educational at teh same time; I pretty much did one quarter at UCR before attending my first fall there. YAY!

Now I'm bumming around at home, and beign caught walking around by Bridges students, and today ended up visiting again.

im baaack

2006-09-15T00:21:44Z

So Janine reminded me that I have one of these...and I remember enjoying using it, so here I am..yay?

Yes!

2006-05-15T20:25:18Z

I have a job secured for the Summer as a lifeguard at Camp Funtime...YES!!!

I graduate a week from Wednesday providing that I pass PreCalc, which I am working my ass off on doing...Hooray.

Things are taking a turn for the better!!!!!

OH and I was invited to enter a screenplay contest for the International Family Film Festival!

Yes YEs YES

Dateless

2006-04-29T22:20:54Z

I have no date for prom at the moment. This is kind of sad. My self confience is at , not an all time, but defimately a low

Always and Forever

2006-04-29T15:36:01Z

So here I am, back at livejournal. I kind of like it. I think writing, a thing I love to do is healthier than waiting for picture comments and emails on myspace. And healthier than getting contacted by creeps.

So the last few days have been quite busy. Between senior projects and mishaps regarding my senior project, chaperoning middle schooolers, and prreparing for all of this, I also have lifeguard traingin in a few minutes, and prom tonight. AHh plate filled up with joy, I kind of like it

Tis been a while

2006-04-29T03:45:42Z

I haven't used this thing in forever, then agian, who has?

I deleted my myspace, and am resorting to this.

yay

jenaimepas @ 2006-02-20T11:02:00

2006-02-20T18:58:46Z

Fear has come over me like a sudden disease. I need to change. Though I don't want to, I know things will happen as a part of second nature, and that I am out of control, which is a thing that pains me.

He died beautifully

2006-02-17T06:33:24Z

My favorite essay that I have written for college so far:

Thick grey clouds barged in through the perfectly blue sky as Fred and Paul Sauland stood as close as they could while facing each other without showing too much emotion. Both of them had their hands stuffed in their suit pockets while they rocked back and forth slowly and lightly. Their shoes were old, though no onlooker would know, as they were polished to a perfect yet subtle shine. The soles were heavy and flattened the deeply pigmented green grass beneath them. If anyone was to be staring straight down at the grass as they were, the tombstones around them would be unnoticeable, which may be their goal, to shut out every around them. To shut out what is inside them. To stop the way things were. Which can all be accomplished by staring straight down at this marvelous breakthrough of a grass.

Fred made a bold move as he looked up at Paul. Everything around them was so still, and Paul could hear his neck move, and looked him straight in the eye. Paul pulled up his coat sleeve to reveal a high-end watch. Maybe a Rolex. Maybe a Fossil. “The Rabbi should be here in about forty-five minutes.”

These two were early to every important event in their lives, regardless of what they had to do in order to be early. They had arrived an hour and fifteen minutes ago at Mount Sinai Memorial Park, where their father, Abe was soon to be buried. He would be six feet underground for eternity. They wouldn’t have his ashes on a mantel. They thought of it as obscure, and it was not what their religion wanted anyways, not that they really followed it, but they both agreed that their father should be at one with the earth, and it would be confusing to share the urn.

Fred took a deep breath “He’s really gone. He had been sick for three years, but he is now truly at the point of no return.”

“Yeah,” Paul softly said as he exhaled deeply. The awkward tension was nearly as intense as the new emptiness they were experiencing. An emptiness that would collect until a certain point, then stop when almost at the rim. An emptiness that would never be satisfied

They were at a loss for words, as anyone would be in this situation. Paul opened his mouth and his vocal box was paralyzed. But they were both in the know of what was to come. They knew that their father had outlived many of his friends. They were baffled about whether or not that was a gift or curse of his life. He had outlived his wife as well, and his brother, and two sisters. They were all that was left. They knew that they would be surrounded by a more than a few unfamiliar faces claiming that they knew EXACTLY how they felt, Each and every one of these people with a conscience would attempt to sympathize and that they would receive ridiculous amounts of food, some of it worth keeping, some of it not, but it would all be kept regardless, unwritten rule.

They knew that even though their father died with numerous tubes in him, that of machinery, and various medications, some to stop the progress of his condition some to ease the pain he encountered through the other medicines, that he died beautifully. It was almost graceful the way his soul moved from his body to a place unknown to anyone mortal and sane.

The time had passed. It was three o’clock PM on the dot. The sky was now a deep dark grey. It was almost black but not quite. “Where the hell is Rabbi Keister?” Fred asked, though aggravated and impatient, he was truly in the dark of how things were supposed to happen, He knew what was going to happen, but he had no idea how.

Solemnly Paul replied “Who knows, I left my cell phone in the car, and I don’t wanna go all the way over there, because if he comes, I don’t wanna be at the car, ya know?”

“Yeah” this time, passive with a hint of that aggravation make up.

Because these two were so deep in their trance of mourning, they could not hear the faraway sound of footsteps smothered with authority. Finally Fred looked up from the grass, now therapeutic, again to see Rabbi Keister. Fred’s finger gently tapped Paul’s left shoulder. A spectrum of tears of any and all emotions were borne as he pivoted to see the man to make him a man via Bar Mitzvah, and a husband. A man, in a way, who made him who he was, but only in a way.

When the tears came approached the ducts, they dried. Some never had a chance to reach the duct. This was wasn’t unusual for Paul. But this was a special situation, and part of him wanted to explode into a fit of tears.

Finally people started to arrive to the site where Abe was soon to be buried. Paul and Fred’s anxiety was now as dead as their father, though unlike him it was reincarnated to true sorrow.

Fuckin A man

2005-12-14T00:42:54Z

So I failed my math class. Actually at my school a D is considered a fail, so I didn't really fail it. I am actually 2 motherfucking percentage points away from passing and my teacher didn't have it in the kindness in her heart to maybe slip those in somewhere, like some other teachers at my school may have. But she probably has no heart, she doesn't really show any emotions well, anger sometimes, but even that is really controlled.

AND she told my counselor that I didn't try at all. BULLSHIT. I mean I try, but then again there are kids in my class who try harder, and by that I mean they go home and program their calculators in their spare time, come to school the next say and say "Grahhhh Did you know this thing doubles as a toothbrush?" Fuckin A. She also compares me to them. I am actually not that bad at math, I'm pretty good at it, and she tells me how good they are doing and how badly I am doing. How she got a job at a school for kids with "special needs"? I have no clue

End Rant.

I can make it all up though, I don't know why I am pissed, just becuase she is not very nice, and makes me look lazier than I am

jenaimepas @ 2005-11-18T15:06:00

2005-11-18T23:06:59Z

Underneath the but is a story I wrote, that I am somewhat proud of, you should read and comment. There are sex and drugs too, well a little bit, so yeah read it

I had to put the character into a scene given by the teacher. I chose the trekkie Convention...

Character Development

People

M/F: Female
Age: 22
Physical: Medium height, a bit underweight (due to a “mild” cocaine addiction), wavy auburn hair (mid length) light skinned Black.
Name: Sunshine

What you see- {Image}

Personality: Sunshine has a split personality. She is one person while at work, another person while out with her “friends”. At work she is somewhat boring, and quiet, not very friendly. With friends she is experimental and a bit loud. She will try anything once. She lives for today (partially as a result of her insane mother)

Job: Law firm receptionist, and stripper.

Temperament Calm at the beginning of the story, temper lessens later on

Friends/family: She has no family. Her father died when she was young, she had no siblings. She left her mother at 18, never talked to her since.

Interests: Getting by as she has to. But in the meantime she has her vices, and a life completely away from what she has to do from her requirements (Such as work, mostly work)

Dreams, hopes and ambitions: She wants to be successful in the way that the American dream says she should be. She wants to have fun and keep her vices. However as many know, it is nearly impossible to do both.

Strengths and weaknesses: She is strong as a person. Yet due to her mother, she is somewhat emotionally numb (as most people who become dancers are, they have to disregard their client’s emotions). She also starts off as an occasional cocaine user, and then morphs into a cokehead. Cocaine is her weakness.

Key event in life: She had an insane and somewhat verbally abusive mother. On her eighteenth birthday she got up and left her trailer park home to San Francisco. Knowing no one.
(Mini bio)

She left her mother the day she turned 18, and then moved out from a trailer park in Reno, Nevada to San Francisco, California. She had some money from working at a Wal-Mart for a few years. She at one point had a job as an entertainer on Market Street. She quit two years later at age twenty, because she found that particular job demeaning to herself and all women. She also started to feel uncomfortable with the regular clientele. She is now a receptionist at a prestigious law firm that specializes in frivolous gay men’s lawsuits. She starts to develop a cocaine addiction after experimenting with it with her friends. She realizes at the beginning of her addiction that she has nothing to loose. She then goes back to stripping to support her addiction.

Writing

Sunshine decided to take the plunge and take up her old job on Market Street as an exotic dancer as well as at the law firm. She needed to score some blow. Her first day back was awkward, but no more awkward than it had ever been. Same old faces. Same routines. Same atmosphere. Same badly lit interior.

There was a face she had never seen before. He appeared to be a very lonely man, as most are who enter Bo Peepers are. He was big, with greasy hair that appeared to be dark, though it was hard to tell the exact color in the club. He sported an advanced 5:00 shadow. He was obviously wealthy at least compared to the regular clientele that enter Bo Peepers are, seeing as the way he was dressed, and had pale skin as far as Sunshine could tell. He got what he wanted from her (and gave a very generous tip). Just as she was walking away to go back to the pole, he called her back. “How would you like to make some more money?’ He asked. “Doing what?” She inquired. “You don’t have to do anything.” Sunshine could tell where this was going, she was a stripper, this offer came often, but she still did not want the label of being a whore, though she could use the money, because she was in the need for purchasing a mysterious white powder that would solve her problems. “What?” “You can get paid for what you do.” He wasn’t making any sense, but she decided to question him on his offer, for she was interested. “I have a convention of sorts to go to, and I would love for someone like you, a lovely fine young lady, to come with me.” “Oh” She said with emptiness in her voice. “Is that all?” She continued. “Pretty much. I have a costume for you and a place for you to sleep.” This was all a shock to her. She was wondering if he had been planning this for her all along, or simply some girl in general, but she kept quiet. “I’ll do it.” she said. “But just for you.” She said this as she walked away and winked. She had to let him know she cared, though she didn’t, that was her job. Inside she was crumbling. She wanted her fix and was feeling somewhat violated and disgusted by this character. She didn’t even know his name.

She didn’t have work at Bo Peepers for the next few days, so she was off the hook for that. However, she had to call in sick at the law firm. Of course she was scared, but she needed money.

She met up with him at his house. Sunshine was greeted with a wide, disturbing grin that showed off his grotesque teeth. “A man who is so wealthy should be able to afford good dental care.” Was a thought in the very back of her mind. He was dressed in something she had never seen before at Bo Peepers, or anywhere outside of TV for that matter. He was in a Star Trek outfit. Scottie was the characters name. She was finally formerly introduced to him. His name was Bradley. She noticed he had a bit of body odor and was not one with a clear complexion. Even at the age of fifty. “Are you ready?” he creepily inquired. “Yes.” She said, sounding sure of herself. “Before we leave, here is your outfit.” To her surprise it was nothing that she had expected it to be. It covered her from head to toe. It was humiliating yes, but a different humiliating. Still degrading, but not on the same level as what she was expecting. It was a trekkie outfit as well. She forgot the name of her character already due to her anxiousness.

They got into his sleek black Mercedes Kompressor. It was a small car that left no room for her regrets. The windows were kept closed throughout the entire drive, which was long and grueling, though it was only thirty minutes. Each second seemed like a minute, some of them even seemed like an hour. The music playing in the car was not her usual cup of tea, which was a colorful glazed ceramic mug filled with good taste. It was something she has never heard. She asked him about it, and he explained to her, while looking her closely in the eye, that it was simply music to get him pumped for the Convention. All she absorbed from him talking was his breath of unbrushed teeth.

Finally they arrived. It was a Star Trek Convention. Everyone was dressed up. Everyone was strange, deranged. Nobody was sane. She was craving a cigarette and a line more than anything.

When she walked through the doors of the convention, she noticed background music. It was very similar to was she was hearing in Bradley’s Benz. She figured that it was theme music, and that Bradley was so infatuated by this whole ritual that he actually owned a copy of, and habitually listened to the noise called music.

Sunshine couldn’t stand to be there for any of this. She needed and escape plan. She excused herself to the bathroom. Reached under her bra and got her supplies to do that line that she so desperately needed. After walking back into the crowd of crazies, she was sure that she had escaped everyone, little did she know she was trying to escape herself as well.

It came time for one of the most anticipated moments of the Convention. Everyone was excited about it. It was the auction. It was mostly memorabilia. A lot was actually worn by actors. Everyone in the room was hyped up. Sunshine was good at pretending, but this was a hard task. It was hard for her to comprehend how people can dress and behave in this manner. She pondered as to why people were spending hundreds even thousands of dollars on something that they probably wont use, that will only be looked at. It then hit her that this was much like herself. People looked and got hyped about her. They spent money on her illusion. They acted like savages around her. Though they still did not dress up ridiculously and did not speak in an absolutely ridiculous useless language around her, she go the point.

She also realized that in this convention she did not belong, but she remembered that big wad of cash that she would be getting at the end. Some auction on a fake laser gun was active. Bradley won. He spent $695 on it, all paid in cash. He was obviously a rich man. If he can spend money on that, along with klingon lessons, he was a wealthy man, as far as economics go.

Though she was usually enthusiastic, it was hard for her to be so at this moment. Plus her buzz was wearing off. It was okay though, it was time for them to go to sleep. When she got into the hotel room she discovered it was a one bed room with a couch. “Wanna make some more money?” he asked, as he gestured toward the bed. She had nothing to loose, and consequently, she lost nothing after her actions. He told her she had earned herself 500 more dollars. Not too shabby. Fucking an overweight smelly trekkie, and being able to support her addiction for while seemed to be worth it.

The convention finally ended. Bradley dropped her off at her complex without saying goodbye, or anything at all, which to her, at this point was a positive thing. She received her money. It was a big was of cash. As she put it down on her dresser, she noticed some dark residue on her hands. The money was fake. It was all fake. Fake. Fuck. She was fucked over. She reported to the police. She told them everything. She even told them about the prostitution she partook in. It turns out this so-called Bradley was a wanted criminal. His real name was Jo, or Joseph last name was Johnson. She was let off the hook for selling herself, so long as she aided in catching this man. She was no poorer than she was before. She was richer. Yet she was broke. She knew better now. Though she should have known better before.

After living a lie, Sunshine realized it was time to find truth. She didn’t belong snorting lined of expensive white powder, or exposing herself in order to do so. She knew she could do more, that she had the key required to access anything and everything the world had to offer her.

That night, at 8:00 she went to Bo Peepers. She had absolutely no ambition on doing what they called dancing tonight. She quit once again. This was the last time she would quit. And she wouldn’t start up again. Nothing would ever begin again.

Esctasy...... AT MOCA

2005-11-09T00:57:29Z

Check this shit out:

Beyond trippy. I am plannign to make plans to experience it this weekend. No illegal substances will be consumed by me. MOCA (Museum of Contemporary Art aka God's House) is having an exhibit, based on drug induced artwork. I'm loving hte sound of this. PLUS THEY HAVE AN UPSIDE DOWN MUSHROOM ROOM!!!!!

SO if you want to be one of the cool kids who comes, or use me as a ride, contact me

itsnotinenglish= AIM

It happened..

2005-10-29T06:49:06Z

I cried. I just need to stop in 20 minutes. I dont want to be doing any water works the minute my birthday technically starts. Fuck. Lame. So far nearly everyone has either not been able to come or not called back. My birthday is tomorrow. Today sucked, and tomorrow isn't looking good either. My parents will see that I have no friends, well two. (MIKE, YOU ARE COOL, IT IS THE PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T BOTHERED TO LET ME KNOW). I wish I was a Jehova's Witness, that way, I wouldn't have to worry about birthday at all in the first place, could have saved my self all this trouble.

This too will pass...eventually

2005-10-27T06:15:43Z

I think I have accumulated a little school girl crush. Weird. I feel like a pussy, but I feel girly. I'm not going to tell anyone who it is. Because I am paranoid. I don't know why. Why is it bad when poeple know you like them? Why do we feel embarassed? It's intriguing. It amuses me at least. Kind of like this person, whose gender I am not even revealing. I don't even know why I am writing this, if no one will know who it is. Maybe when I get the balls or get drunk I will reveal it. But since I'm getting no sex change and am surrounded by a world of sobriety it is unlikely to happen. I may as well delete this whole thing, but I just feel like putting it out there. I am human. Yes, I love everyone, but I like someone. Strange concept. At least this person isn't reading this. But even if this person was he or she wouldn't know it was him or her. I am secrective like that sometimes.

This is probably because I have been shit on in relationships and in the general romantic setting in the past. Yes, shit on. Which is why I used to use alcohol as my power to let people know how I feel. I wish I could, but it's time to move on form that now. I have moved on from that. Dammit. Alcohol makes things easier. Unless you are a violent drunk.

I am still amused that we get uncomfortable, or have in the past, when someone knows we are attracted to them. It must have to do with a fear of rejection. A fear which I have. A fear that thrives off of me.

Ok, that is enough revealing myself to the world wide web for now. I'll made this a public entry. Face my fears, stop being weird. Everyone knows I am weird though. perhaps psychotic?

peace

Also, there is a lot that hte general public, also known as my friends does not know about me. I'll start off wil a few things
1. I started to enjoy really writing this year. I think it is in part becuase my English teacher, Jim refers to what we write as "pieces" not essays, papers, or other stressful words.

2. I am not quite sure what I want to do with my life at the moment

More to come later

ahh

2005-10-10T02:57:29Z

DRAMA BRINGS ME DOWN SOOO MUCH. I swear it is like kryptonite. last night was insane at work. This person who caused drama isnt a bad person, he is quite nice, just god dammit. gah