I don't know what to say here. Not much has changed. I'm thinking of transfering to another school. I dunno. Umm.. that's all

Lately I've been noticing in people a horrible thing. False eating disorders. having one is sick. If anyone should know it is me. I used to stuggle with that. What is more sick is people who wish they could struggle, and deam themselves "ANA OMGZORS" or "MIA". Though idolization happens in the process of being a VICTIM of an eating disorder, it is upsetting to me that people who don't even really have this are labeling themselves "Ana" (anorexic) or "Mia" (Bulimic..clever ain't it...NOT) as though they are people. This disorder is more powerful than any human being. And for people to try to humanize (which actually in the long run will reduce the seriousness of it) is horrifying. It is normal to want to lose a little bit of weight, but for people to pretend they have issues is ridiculous. Calling yourself "Ana" is like saying you are an amputee when it is quite obvious you have all your limbs. It isn't even all about weight, it doesn't even root there...it's usually about control for most people, or so it starts.

Now I am not saying these issues do not exist, eating disorders are very real. I should know. I wasted too much of my life throwing up, being sick, in therapy to let these people succeed at beautifying this tragedy. First they glamorize anorexia and bulimia, what next? Will there be "IT" diseases? Will fashion magazines have headlines like "Ditch the Hay Fever, GET AIDS NOW!!!"? I'm just trying to correct some views here.

Feel free to bitch at me or praise me or whatever.

I really don't understand it. I do go to parties yes. But I only ever go out on weekends. (I went out once on a weekday and that was because it was halloween, and I finished my homework.) I like to have fun, sure, who doesn't? I don't party too much. I hate it when people think I do. Sure I have gotten a wee but crazy on some instances, but many people do that. For some reason it is reflected more on me. Even before I started to go to parties I had this image. I am not paying lord knows how much in tuition to go and party. I am also not paying that much in tuition to get that reputation.
MYTH: I party and go out everyday (who does that? Maybe Paris Hilton, but not me)
FACT: I study, and want to do well in school. I'm working hard so I can transfer.
MYTH: I drink all the time
FACT: I like to have a few drinks socially sometimes in social setting (not on campus EVER BTW) because that is what people do, and I am a person
MYTH: I can't control myself when under the influence
FACT: I sometimes like to let loose, and have become much better at controlling myself.

For some reason, this situation where people think I go to too many parties and am a crazy party girl actually hurts me. I don't want to be known that way, and I am not going to stop socializing in normal college setting to stop it. I would rather be known for helping people (which I have done) or for my efforts in life, or for working hard to become a better perosn everyday (which I actually do strive to do.)

Thank you for reading this if you did. :-)

    But seriously, people here are somewhat shady. Like what the hell. Yes there are a select few good ones, but many people here are immature, inconsiderate, and care only for themselves. Drama is started like it was during middle school. There are even idiotic rumors. This is college. We are supposed to be becoming more of adults. Not using out lack of parental control to extend our childish behaviors. I'm not trying to push people into growing up. Kid-ness is fun yes. But immaturity in certain aspects of life is a completely different story; it's painful to watch. People acting the way I did when I was 15 (especially in the alcohol department).
    My mother told me somethign wise, something along the lines of "you let your curses turn into blessing." somthing like that. My habits, throughout life have indeed given me insight, and I am grateful for that. But isn't ignorance afterall ultimate bliss? I look back at my past ignorances, wondering what I will be looking back upon, what ignorances I have now, and how I will consider how I am now in the future.

Grateful doesn't begint o describe how I feel.  Lonely doesn't begin to describe it either.  I have no plans for my 18th birthday, meh.

I should post on this thing more often.  Not too much has happened, at least nothing significant that I feel like posting on the world wide web.  But I am being irked by what seems to be a case of social silence.  The cold shoulder.  Excommunication.  From a friend.  From sonmeone I held (and still do hold) close to my heart.  I don't know how long this will last.  That has me throwing myslef about.  What also bothers me is not only that this seems to be happening (it problably is,) but because I don't know why this is taking place.  It is one person in particular.  Actually, a few.

What bothers me, is that I have no idea what set this off, and me, being who I am, am captivated by this situation.  I of course am extraordinarily curious as to what I did to set this person off, rather turn them off (vocally).  Then again maybe I did nothing at all, maybe this person is going through a hard time, maybe not.  Maybe this person is just fed up with me and ready to move on with their life, maybe not. 

I hate that this bugs me as well.  Because of my past, I feel as though in general, I have to be a social perfcectionist.  I don't know of course 100% if this is why I am the way I am (though it most likely is), and that is mildy yet significantly irritating to me.

I get annoyed when other people pry into my own business (which seems to be a constant and valued practice among college students), but I think this is because I still need to pry into my own life.  I am too busy focusing on various who knows whats to stop and think for a second about such a thing.  (May not make sense to you, but in my mind this past paragraph is quite clarifying).  But when I talk about certain things I h ave knowledge about, is it really necessary to ask me exactly how I know it, or if I have experienced what I am talking about, or why I talk about it?

As you can obvoiusly tell, I have many troubles with my inner self.  Another thing that bothers me is that I tend to get along more with people who are older than me.  Which at a first glance is strange, considering that I am the on of the younger ones in my class level.  When I tell people my age (17 for the moment, I am however excited for my 18th birthday on the 29th of this month.), they see me as full of crap it seems.  All is well until I tell my age to some people.  Older people (and younger, and those my age), as I mentioned earlier pry into how I know what I know, and why I think the way I do about certain sensitive subjects.  I'm not bragging here, but I have been through a lot of shit.  Though the course of my life is nowhere near the end in life experieces (ones that truely do come with age, not experience), I feel as though I have lived a nice life, that I have fulfilled so much.  I also feel as though I rushed through much of my adolescence (Not even finished with it, and already I feel old.).  I wanted to grow up so quickly.  I not only smoked, drank, and used, but also had other hardships.  Depression, self mutilation, eating disorders (in abundance), and then some that I do not want to mention on the internet.  I stole my life from myself.   I destroyed it.  I live the consequences. 

OK, this pisses me off.  People are talking shit...we are how old now?  Talking shit brings you bad karma.  Here are some prime examples:

• One girl (who will remain nameless) decided to call me a whore throughout an entire year of high school (I was at that school for only a year); she was last spotted in a film titled The Davinci Load, and she wasn't even doing anyone, she was watching people go at it..  That is worse than being in a porno and fucking, that's like saying "You can't even BE a pornstar if you tried, but you are in a porno."
• Another girl who often talked shit about me (same school) now works at The Frisky Kitty, a gentleman's club.
• Yet another shit talking girl from that damned school.  She isn't a pseudo pornstar, she isn't a stripper, she is PREGGO, or maybe she already had the baby, or god forbid miscarriage (she was a druggie).
• I always find out when you talk shit about me so don't even try
• especially when you let me in on all of your dirty little secrets...how dumb can you be?
• Karma is a bitch
• Oh yeah, this other girl who was a bitch to e at Jew cap and talked MAD SHIT about me is now a mad cokehead, but a fat one (go figure haha).

Moral of the story is:
DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT ME BIOTCH!!, because I think the only things left ont he list for mad shit talkers are whores, crackwhores, and Rosie O' Donnal's personal bitch.

Thanks loves
       Miriam *hugs*

Actually I just upgraded my account, and there are now advertisements all over my page, but hey!, the layout is all cool and stuff...YAY.

I `move to Riverside soon...yayyy as well. Fun stuff, I love my roommate, I'm soo happy. All I have to do is a bit of shopping, and create some closure with a few people at home and then...I'm OFF. I am beyond excited. If Summer Bridge was as good as it was, then the actual school year must be intensely good. I may need to switch some classes around, other than that, I'm GOOD!

I don't really know what else ot say, but ummm yeah. i'll catch up later with you all when I am more awake.

bored to tears...literally

    So much has changed since my May post.  I have almost a completely new set of friends, have even more job experience, more life experience, and I have college units (and experience). 
    I did however lose a very important friendship, but it was unforunately very necessary.  No one died, but I was in fact betrayed, used, and completely manipulated.  Though there were good times, it did not add up with being put down all of the time, wieghed down, and risking my future in order to cater to this person's needs.  I feel guilty writing more... ehh.  Whatever.  This person just needed something I couldn't give this person, something I couldn't afford to give financially, mentally, or emotionally. 


The end?

I didn't update throughout the entire summer. It was packed with SO MUCH (and isn't even done with yet). I worked at Buzz for a while. Buzz was Buzz, same coffee same everything haha. Then I worked at Camp Funtime during the week. I don't want to talk to much about that, but the kids were GREAT, I loved most of the job, lifeguarding is definately a good job, and I'm glad I continued it.

Then came Summer Bridge. YES!!!!!!! I can't go into too much detail, because that would be impossible. So much went on, it was TONS of fun, and educational at teh same time; I pretty much did one quarter at UCR before attending my first fall there. YAY!

Now I'm bumming around at home, and beign caught walking around by Bridges students, and today ended up visiting again.

So Janine reminded me that I have one of these...and I remember enjoying using it, so here I am..yay?

I have a job secured for the Summer as a lifeguard at Camp Funtime...YES!!!

I graduate a week from Wednesday providing that I pass PreCalc, which I am working my ass off on doing...Hooray.


Things are taking a turn for the better!!!!!


OH and I was invited to enter a screenplay contest for the International Family Film Festival!



Yes YEs YES

I have no date for prom at the moment. This is kind of sad. My self confience is at , not an all time, but defimately a low

So here I am, back at livejournal. I kind of like it. I think writing, a thing I love to do is healthier than waiting for picture comments and emails on myspace. And healthier than getting contacted by creeps.

So the last few days have been quite busy. Between senior projects and mishaps regarding my senior project, chaperoning middle schooolers, and prreparing for all of this, I also have lifeguard traingin in a few minutes, and prom tonight. AHh plate filled up with joy, I kind of like it

I haven't used this thing in forever, then agian, who has?

I deleted my myspace, and am resorting to this.


yay

Fear has come over me like a sudden disease. I need to change. Though I don't want to, I know things will happen as a part of second nature, and that I am out of control, which is a thing that pains me.

My favorite essay that I have written for college so far:


Thick grey clouds barged in through the perfectly blue sky as Fred and Paul Sauland stood as close as they could while facing each other without showing too much emotion. Both of them had their hands stuffed in their suit pockets while they rocked back and forth slowly and lightly. Their shoes were old, though no onlooker would know, as they were polished to a perfect yet subtle shine. The soles were heavy and flattened the deeply pigmented green grass beneath them. If anyone was to be staring straight down at the grass as they were, the tombstones around them would be unnoticeable, which may be their goal, to shut out every around them. To shut out what is inside them. To stop the way things were. Which can all be accomplished by staring straight down at this marvelous breakthrough of a grass.

Fred made a bold move as he looked up at Paul. Everything around them was so still, and Paul could hear his neck move, and looked him straight in the eye. Paul pulled up his coat sleeve to reveal a high-end watch. Maybe a Rolex. Maybe a Fossil. “The Rabbi should be here in about forty-five minutes.”

These two were early to every important event in their lives, regardless of what they had to do in order to be early. They had arrived an hour and fifteen minutes ago at Mount Sinai Memorial Park, where their father, Abe was soon to be buried. He would be six feet underground for eternity. They wouldn’t have his ashes on a mantel. They thought of it as obscure, and it was not what their religion wanted anyways, not that they really followed it, but they both agreed that their father should be at one with the earth, and it would be confusing to share the urn.

Fred took a deep breath “He’s really gone. He had been sick for three years, but he is now truly at the point of no return.”

“Yeah,” Paul softly said as he exhaled deeply. The awkward tension was nearly as intense as the new emptiness they were experiencing. An emptiness that would collect until a certain point, then stop when almost at the rim. An emptiness that would never be satisfied

They were at a loss for words, as anyone would be in this situation. Paul opened his mouth and his vocal box was paralyzed. But they were both in the know of what was to come. They knew that their father had outlived many of his friends. They were baffled about whether or not that was a gift or curse of his life. He had outlived his wife as well, and his brother, and two sisters. They were all that was left. They knew that they would be surrounded by a more than a few unfamiliar faces claiming that they knew EXACTLY how they felt, Each and every one of these people with a conscience would attempt to sympathize and that they would receive ridiculous amounts of food, some of it worth keeping, some of it not, but it would all be kept regardless, unwritten rule.

They knew that even though their father died with numerous tubes in him, that of machinery, and various medications, some to stop the progress of his condition some to ease the pain he encountered through the other medicines, that he died beautifully. It was almost graceful the way his soul moved from his body to a place unknown to anyone mortal and sane.

The time had passed. It was three o’clock PM on the dot. The sky was now a deep dark grey. It was almost black but not quite. “Where the hell is Rabbi Keister?” Fred asked, though aggravated and impatient, he was truly in the dark of how things were supposed to happen, He knew what was going to happen, but he had no idea how.

Solemnly Paul replied “Who knows, I left my cell phone in the car, and I don’t wanna go all the way over there, because if he comes, I don’t wanna be at the car, ya know?”

“Yeah” this time, passive with a hint of that aggravation make up.

Because these two were so deep in their trance of mourning, they could not hear the faraway sound of footsteps smothered with authority. Finally Fred looked up from the grass, now therapeutic, again to see Rabbi Keister. Fred’s finger gently tapped Paul’s left shoulder. A spectrum of tears of any and all emotions were borne as he pivoted to see the man to make him a man via Bar Mitzvah, and a husband. A man, in a way, who made him who he was, but only in a way.

When the tears came approached the ducts, they dried. Some never had a chance to reach the duct. This was wasn’t unusual for Paul. But this was a special situation, and part of him wanted to explode into a fit of tears.

Finally people started to arrive to the site where Abe was soon to be buried. Paul and Fred’s anxiety was now as dead as their father, though unlike him it was reincarnated to true sorrow.

So I failed my math class. Actually at my school a D is considered a fail, so I didn't really fail it. I am actually 2 motherfucking percentage points away from passing and my teacher didn't have it in the kindness in her heart to maybe slip those in somewhere, like some other teachers at my school may have. But she probably has no heart, she doesn't really show any emotions well, anger sometimes, but even that is really controlled.

AND she told my counselor that I didn't try at all. BULLSHIT. I mean I try, but then again there are kids in my class who try harder, and by that I mean they go home and program their calculators in their spare time, come to school the next say and say "Grahhhh Did you know this thing doubles as a toothbrush?" Fuckin A. She also compares me to them. I am actually not that bad at math, I'm pretty good at it, and she tells me how good they are doing and how badly I am doing. How she got a job at a school for kids with "special needs"? I have no clue

End Rant.

I can make it all up though, I don't know why I am pissed, just becuase she is not very nice, and makes me look lazier than I am